A little bit pregnant

It is but a pedestrian Open Pairs in a Regional, but the roots of this particular tree  reach very far. The opponents coming to the table look very husband-and-wifey and the slight accent in their greeting is frenchy.  They could be that famous  pair from Canada (oh God, what is their name) or fugitive snowbird "C" players from the Saturday afternoon club game, next town. 

This brings up a concept, that has nothing to do with this hand-of-the-month. A well known around-the-World International Expertess (P.C. squared) has vehemently advocated, that all participants in serious (i.e.: not club) pair-tournaments wear a badge (tasteful jewelry of course) identifying their standing as a player; in the US. of A. probably masterpoint totals, other classification elsewhere. The purpose of the badge (our W.I.E. claimed) is to remove the blind lottery aspect of knowing or not knowing the quality of the opposition. 

It is bad enough to be a random victim (or winner) of which opponent gets the 6NT hand cold on a delayed duck double squeeze (thus getting a +100 top or a -1440 bottom completely unrelated to your pair's skills), but having to guess on a 1-, 1-(by you), 1-NT bidding sequence, whether Lefty bid the NT the way you and my mother would, or simply to "show" 6 points, stopper-or-no stopper, is equally unfair. Players do this kind of bidding all the time. You can ask of course, but you might get pregnant ("UA"= unauthorized information, see below ... explaining to the committee, that your question was not intended to imply whatever the director later decided it implied and helped partner in his/her brilliant bid);  you also might get laughed out of the room, the director leading the chortling chorus. Better yet, the badge would insure gentle nurturing for "fugitive snowbirds" too, such as ....

... Zero tolerance is great, but in practice, when the bidding went 1-(by you), 2-(michaels), 4-(partner) - two full minutes of hesitation followed by a double (by Righty), all pass of course, and when you find out, that Righty's entire high card content is the K,Q,J,10 of your trumps,  you would like to call the director.  Yes,  you do, but when it turns out, that she is a less than "C" player,  had no idea of the takeout-preventing implications of her long huddle (forcing her partner to pass, even with the void well known! to Righty), you are accused by everybody of being a nasty bully and guilty of attempted intimidation. (Has happened, name indelibly engraved on mind, witness available upon request). With the badge on her chest one would simply look and say softly either "good double" or "director !!!" depending on what one sees there. Given the present hoi polloi and professional-oriented mentality of those who control the laws of the game, the chances of implementing the badge are slightly less, than adding a fifth suit to the deck, (called Green, symbol: Maple Leaf), but think about all the good it could do and come up with one, just one, really harmful aspect. 

Back to the Gallic opponents (quality still unknown). White-against-white, Monsieur opens 1-NT; 15-17 range announced ... 

... by the way, do you know why this announcement requirement?  It is widely believed, that  the ACBL instituted it in response to the "cute"(!) idea of some people;  player behind the NoTrump-er asking the range shows, by that question,  a holding of  8-11 points or whatever count suits them. We refuse to punish the burglars, allow convicted cheaters to play, thus we remove the Jimmying Tool instead.  Partner doubles the NT, showing both Majors or one Minor, (you alert), Madame bids 2--s, no alert or "transfer" statement from Monsieur and you gaze at

            J,9,6,5  |  7  |  K,J,7,5  |  A,10,6,3

do you (you'll be damned if you do, doomed if you dont)

X and may find yourself -180 or worse, when it was a diamond suit;  partner has no idea how good your diamonds are, anyway you must have taken long enough time, to prevent him from "taking it out" (see above);

Ask, but you are now a little bit pregnant. The little dot is neither white nor blue: you had a right to ask, but the very act of asking (showing both "cards" and Diamonds) sentences you to be wrong.  The director, when called, will sympathize, but find you guilty, if your side lands on their collective feet. You are slightly less guilty, than the cutesy-poo asking the NT range, but only slightly.

Pass and throw the dice. If Madame had truly diamonds, it will go all pass. Her score is likely to be better, than the black suit part score your side is entitled to. Would Monsieur accept the transfer he failed to announce and it comes back to you, it is guessing time: if partner had one minor, we should be there (thus bid 2NT), if both Majors, we want to be in spades or defend, depending on the quality of his hearts (thus double, hoping that partner works it out, which is a bad gamble by itself). Doomed either way to the flip of the proverbial coin.

One ray of sunshine (and that is the true reason for the entire philippic  herein,  conveying a little known twist in the rules for rulings) falls on the most likely scenario: if it was a transfer,  opener will bid 2-s.  Now you can call the director with impunity.  That mighty hand will "rewind" the auction to your original pass and you can double without "family way" dangers.  Equity might get restored, but ...

... if it was diamonds, the sun is in the clouds, no 2-s, thus no director.  You lose of course (due to your failure to ask, your fear of pregnancy), but the Lords of the game will fall back on their favorite platitude: "rub of the green", or some such. The badge would have saved your day, but think of all the condescending elitist scorn and lectures ("undemocratic" proclaimed  in fifty different word-variations, as if democracy had anything to do with the Game) heaped on any organization attempting to implement such a concept.  The authors of this diatribe most assuredly would not dare to risk it.

Would you be incensed enough by the preceding to express an opinion, please E-Mail to
Doomed (click on it)

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